Icha Icha Tactics
by She-Whom-Must-Not-Be-Named
Summary: Always fighting for the sake of those they love, but when is a ninja to actually get some lovin? Now old enough, the Konoha boys have finally discovered the good in Kakashi and Jiraiya’s books.
1. How to Have an Icha Icha Ending

**Icha Icha Tactics  
****Chapter I:** How to Have an Icha Icha Ending

**Summary**: Always fighting for the sake of those they love, but when is a ninja to actually get some love? Now old enough, the Konoha boys have finally discovered the good in Kakashi and Jiraiya's books.

**A/N:** Introduction chapter. Slightly overdramatic characterizations in this chapter, but goodness I was bored. And if you notice, yes, I put too much detail, but I follow my imagination, and they move… --' The story'll get better in around three or four chapters, I'm just horrible with introductions, everyone's just making polite conversation. I just wanted to write a story with them cause reading fanfics during band class (band directors can blab, man) and wondering what the real characters would do… yeah. They're slow.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Naruto, it's owned by someone whose name I'm too lazy to look up cause I don't pay much attention to Japanese names unless I youtube them, but "Naruto" is easier to search than his name.

**Pairings**—  
Naruto/Hinata  
Sasuke/Sakura  
Shikamaru/Temari  
Neji/Tenten

- x -

Besides the often fatal struggles to defeat super bad, melodramatic villains that would readily crush innocent towns with colossal explosions for the sake of… selling earthquake insurance… whilst maintaining their extremely healthy self-image of being a badass superhero that saved the world by escorting an overbearing, power-hungry dictator to safety across a bridge for three minutes, when it took them three days to get to the country to meet the guy… well, missions were actually rather boring. You took several days to travel to the place of the mission, never more than a minute away from each other for every hour of every day of every mission after mission after mission. And even if you weren't on a mission, you trained with them. Eventually, these people have just passed the point where they've molested your personal bubble. What with this lovely amount of time spent together with your forced-to-be best friends, they start wondering… "who the hell are you?"

"Oy, Kakashi-sensei!" Naruto called out, plopping next to him beside a campfire.

Sakura, the only responsible one of their team, was tending to the fire and preparing the dinner that Sai caught them. Sai, like the awkward little boy he was, sat there like a statue carved from marble, smiling that awkward little smile of his, eyes closed, without moving.

"Kakashi-sensei!" Naruto squinted his eyes, inching his face closer to the silver-haired ninja as the ninja inched his orange "Icha Icha Violence" book closer to his face as Naruto inched his face. Despite Kakashi's usual masked face inhibiting visual conception of his face, the book was covering anything the mask didn't, moving side to side to block Naruto's bobbing head's attempt to force Kakashi to look at him. "Kakashi-sensei! Kakashi-sensei!" Naruto attempted to snatch the book away, but failed miserably and resorted to pouting on the floor grumpily.

Immediately regretting it, Kakashi replied monotonously, lowering his book an inch, "What is it, Naruto?"

"I'm bored, there's nothing to do out here!" Naruto whined.

"What do you expect, we're in the middle of a desert wasteland. Why don't you go play with Sai at whatever he's doing or something?" Kakashi's replied unconcerned, anxious to reread his book for the nineteenth time.

"Play with _that thing_?" he spat looking at the still unmoving Sai, still awkwardly smiling. When he heard his name, though, his head kind of robotically rotated to smile directly at them, creepily. Naruto scrunched his nose in disgust. "Last time I tried that, the pervert told me to—" he blushed the shade of Sakura's hair, stiffly sparing a glance in her direction to see if she was paying attention, "—to… _play with myself!"_ he whispered frantically. Sai was unnerved.

Kakashi, neither listening nor caring replied dispassionately, "Then play with yourself." He really didn't care how Naruto took it.

"What?!" Naruto blushed the deep red of Sakura's clothing, not daring to look at Sakura (who wasn't paying him any mind anyways). Looking away embarrassedly, he replied, "Why don't you play with me, Kakashi-sensei? Teach me Chidori, huh? You taught Sasuke-teme! And look what good he did with it! C'mon!"

"No," Kakashi declared monotonously. "I'm reading."

"You're always reading," he complained.

"Good."

Naruto's once eager face drooped back to his defensive grumpy mode. He moped for all the time of thirty-seven seconds before becoming bored of moping. "Why do you always read that stupid book, Kakashi-sensei? It's boring. I remember reading ten pages of it. It was the worst hour I ever spent."

"I like it," he muttered perversely, not looking up.

He sat still, debating his possible choices for amusement… _can't bother Sakura, she's making the food! Sai… ew. Nothing to do out there… not even a tree to throw kunais and shurikens at. _Fighting against his better judgment (which was extremely evident on his pain-stricken face), he forcefully choked, twitching, "What… is it… about?" As if he cared. Such was the extent of his boredom.

Kakashi's book lowered a bit, lured with the desire to taint more minds to the contagious disease that was the Icha Icha series. "You don't really want to know, do you?" Kakashi asked suspiciously in his rabid, fanatic, anti-hater tone.

"No, no, I do," Naruto said forcefully, his voice unusually high and strained. His twitching face implied otherwise but Kakashi was too excited to share his love to notice; for all he know, Naruto just had a weird twitch that Kakashi, in all his years being Naruto's teacher, never noticed due to his read his book for all but twenty minutes of it.

Kakashi's eyes lit up eagerly, a look none of his students ever dared to even imagine. He drew in a dramatic gasp. "What is it about? What is it about? What _isn't_ it about!?" he exclaimed, his voice crescendoing. "Action!" he screamed, punching the air. "Suspense!" he declared, looking around suspiciously. "Mystery! Comedy! Fantasy! And above it all… Love!" Kakashi's eyes sparkled fantastically underneath the fire as he continued in a Gai-like fashion. "Love, what we need undoubtedly. Yet love, what will drive us all insane. Love, the reason for living in this cold, cruel, heartless world! Love, I love you!"

Sakura herself couldn't help but twitch at her supposedly respectable teacher as he… made her feel so incredibly sorry for Neji and Tenten that one time Rock Lee invited (or rather dragged) her to go training with them.

Kakashi continued enthusiastically. "You see, this girl, S—"

"Nevermind, I'm bored already!" Naruto wailed, signaling defeat.

"But you didn't even get to—"

"No!" Naruto moaned.

"I didn't even—"

"Ehh!" Naruto screamed, covering his ears.

"I'll just tell you how—"

"Stoppit!"

"'I love you!'"

"Kakashi-sensei! Instead of reading about these sappy, crappy love stories, why don't you fall in love instead? Maybe then you'll have a life!"

Kakashi froze, flaring at Naruto heatedly. "I don't see you with any girl that'll come within walking distance of you," he snapped pointedly.

"I could get a girl in a snap if I wanted." He glared at Kakashi, his nose pointing upwards as if he smelled something nasty. "Besides, you're twice my age. Before you know it, time will just stomp you into dust on the ground and tap dance around you."

"Tch!" Kakashi scoffed in rebuke. "You probably couldn't even attempt to flirt with a girl without her pulling your pants down."

"Psh!" Naruto raised an eyebrow in challenge. "They just wanna see how happy I can make them," Naruto smirked slyly as Sakura gaped in disgust.

"Or to make sure that you're actually a man," Sai chirruped.

"Yeah, and when that fails, how do you expect to get a date at all, much less a girl?" Kakashi taunted.

Naruto's cheeks tinted red with embarrassment. "What girl could resist my devilish charm and foxy looks?" he said, fully believing himself.

"Any sane girl," replied not only Kakashi, but Sai and Sakura to boot.

Naruto's cheeks stained redder as he looked away from the three smirking faces and challenged more loudly than he could boast, "Fine then! How would _you _get a girl then!?"

And as if he had been waiting for someone to ask him this question all along, with a triple axle and a flourish added in for effect, "Icha Icha Tactics" was thrust a centimeter away from Naruto's face (despite the fact he had been reading "Icha Icha Violence" before).

"'Icha Icha Tactics!'" he declared proudly. "Everything you need for your very own—"

"Porno?" Naruto asked bored.

"No! Love story, idiot!"

"Then why's it an 'adult' book, Sensei?" Naruto asked innocently, the exact opposite of how he felt.

"Shuddup. Just because it contains some slightly, mildly explicit and highly graphic sex scenes that are completely necessary to portray the passionate love between the main characters does not mean that it's a porno!" Kakashi hissed defensively. "As I was saying…" he more stated as a fact than said as an transitory opening, "It tells you everything from how to ask out a girl, to how to propose, to how to—"

"Be whipped!" Naruto exclaimed. "What does it tell you to do? Bake her cookies?! How to be transsexual?!"

"No, dufus," Kakashi said coolly, despite the fact Naruto had just insulted one of his favourite books of all time. "It tells you how to be freaking awesome," he declared, challenging him with a staring contest.

"How? By being like you?" Naruto said sarcastically.

"No, by not being anything remotely like you," he said simply.

"Oh yeah? Where?" Naruto smirked, for surely he jests.

But, alas, no, as Kakashi flashed the dedication page of the (in)famous novel.

- x –

"_This book is dedicated to Naruto Uzumaki and anyone with just as bad luck as him in the girl department, in hopes that when he's old enough, he'll read this book and learn how to get a girl, any girl, really. I mean, she doesn't even have to be decent for all I care, but jeez, at the rate he's going, he'll be banging a drum—and not in the musical way. That idiot cost me so many chances at love, I had to lock the dork up in a room with ropes before I could go out hunting. If you're like him and don't change your ways, before you know it, you'll be sneaking into the girls side of hot springs just to see what the difference between a male and female is. I hope this book teaches you to have your very own Icha Icha ending. Love from, Jiraiya."_

- x -

"I don't get it," Naruto said, scratching his head. "Isn't that nice? Ero-sennin dedicated his… pervvy book to me—ew! Ero-sennin! Why would you do that to me!? That was mean!"

"See," he said, flipping the pages of the book, "It tells you how to make a girl fall into your hands as easy as… well, trapping you with a stick and a box if I put ramen under it."

Naruto took the book and flipped through it, seeing titles such as 'how to ask a girl out,' 'what kind of personalities girls like,' 'what kinds of looks girls will not even spare a glance at,' amongst other odd things. "What… ? 'Rule number 4. Never ask a woman her age, they're really sensitive about that. Just know, if she's fine, she's fine. Even if she uses a jutsu to make her pretty despite her age, as long as she keeps it up, it's all good.'" He flipped a few more pages, "'Never look into a hot spring anyways, you can't see anything anyways.'… 'Be sweet, charming and sensitive, or else you'll never get any.' What the freak is this? This is stupid. You won't get a girl selling this book to them. This is absolutely pointless to them. Why would they want to get a girl anyways?"

"This is for guys, you moron. Guys read this to find a woman. If it were to be a gift for a woman to get her, then you wouldn't be able to get her if she were interested in other women."

"What?!" Naruto asked, not comprehending in the least. "Girls don't like that stupid stuff in there anyways. It's telling you how to be a girl, not get one. 'When a girl hits you, pretend like it hurts, because they like feeling like they can hurt you.' What! That's stupid! A girl able to hurt a fine male specimen such as myself?! Your chakra must have stopped flowing through your head!" he declared, sprawling his arms in the air, talking to the world. "'Act like you need them more than they need you. They like to feel loved and wanted'…? What?! That's pathetic, Kakashi-sensei! Just find a new one! They aren't that spe…cial…" He sweat dropped, feeling the eyes of murderous intent upon him. "I mean… that is, unless you're Sakura-chan…" he chuckled forcefully, although her eyes never left his pressure points. He changed the topic, "Besides, do you see Ero-sennin with a girl anywhere, huh?"

"Would you like me to show you the dedication page again?" Kakashi asked smoothly.

After a five second glaring contest between a squinty-eyed Naruto and a bored-looking Kakashi, Naruto challenged, "Well then, how come you haven't gotten any love yet? Even Asuma-sensei had gotten Kurenai-sensei and they weren't even married yet! She was pretty pretty and yet he got her and he had had not only nasty smoker's breath but a funny little prickly porcupine beard that almost poked my eye out one time! That's like doubling the chances of lethalness when you kiss him, trust me!"

Flinching at Naruto's odd should-have-been-an-insult-but-actually-made-yourself-look-really-awkward comment, he replied defensively, "I would rather be in love than have sex with the next thing that moves. I'm not as desperate for any action I can get, unlike you, Naruto."

Naruto looked as guilty as could be (although he had yet to even have any kiss besides his first one with Sasuke back when he was 13), but despite Sakura's disapproving glare, did not look ashamed. Kiba had recently begun sharing his quaint little stories of what girls he met, and more importantly how far he got with them (don't worry, he's still a virgin. Can't go that far with a dog watching them in the room), in the different villages for his most recent missions. Although it wasn't his intended purpose, having a dog with him sure brought girls by the mother load.

"So what?" Naruto said, unflinchingly. "Excuse me if I don't plan on being a forty year-old virgin, _unlike some people_."

Kakashi was glaring daggers at him, not like Naruto noticed. It was hard to read eye expressions, especially when you're oblivious.

"Shut up, Naruto!' Sakura growled, making him feel like a deer trapped in headlights, especially when he was being reprimanded by the only girl he actually ever liked and would openly consider pretty. Sakura's expression softened as she went to comfort her teacher. "D-don't feel bad, Kakashi-sensei! I think it's _sweet_—" she emphasized the last word scathingly at Naruto, "—that you want to save yourself for the person you love. I think that's it's beautiful you want to fall in love." (Naruto struggled not to laugh at her manly choice of words for Kakashi.)

"Thank you, Sakura," he replied curtly and proudly, his head up high (though acting more proud than he felt). "I…" he struggled with himself. "I know it might not look like it, but… I'm actually a… _hopeless romantic_," he whispered furiously as if it were a sin, although all of Team Kakashi heard him. Naruto's eyes bulged as he stuffed his fist in his mouth so as to not laugh—mind you, not for Kakashi's sensitivity, but he might miss some other interesting unknown facts about his teacher.

Sakura, however, found nothing funny in this, but rather replied empathetically. "That's sweet! I'm sure loads of women would want to go out with you. You're smart, strong… I bet you're not half-bad looking either, if you would just take off your mask…"

Naruto burst out laughing. "I bet he's butt ugly. That's probably why he hides his face, so people don't run away screaming—or worse, turn to stone!" Sakura slapped him upside the head with a hostile "shh!"

"I'm not ugly!" Kakashi cried, obviously sensitive to the subject. "Besides, even if I were, at least I don't force other people to suffer looking at my face, unlike you."

"That's what they all say," Naruto motioned to the stoned Sai, waving his hand flippantly, before recoiling at realization of who he was talking to.

"I'm not ugly, you butt face," Kakashi retorted.

"Prove it," Naruto taunted.

"You don't have to if you don't want to," Sakura said sympathetically, although she hoped he wouldn't listen, for she was eager to see his face too.

"Yeah, you don't have to," Naruto said, causing to make Sakura and Kakashi look at him surprised, if only for a millisecond. "I mean, if you really are a butt face (and it'd totally make sense since you seem to be spewing out a bunch of crap), then you should leave the mask on. At least that way, you seem mysterious and no one will know that you've got a butt for a face, and you'll save the world from a load of trauma for that, thank you. Especially if your butt for a face turns out to have magical powers and kills us on the spot!" he screamed, overdramatically, causing Sakura to kick him in the shins.

"Then that's a good thing isn't it?" Kakashi said, causing Naruto to look sour… while jumping on one foot.

"C'mon Kakashi-sensei. You show Naruto that he's wrong!" Sakura cheered, although her inner Sakura knew full well that the selfish monster was eating at her and she really just wanted to see his face. Smart, sane, and not stupid Sakura knew that doing just as Naruto said would cause more havoc than following him.

In his vulnerable state, Kakashi began to move his hands to his mask… slowly, for he was unsure but the voice of Naruto taunting him drove him insane and he wanted oh-so-much to pop his head like a child's water balloon… his hands slowly reached the black fabric near his face, the fingers wrapped around the edges of his black mask… he began to slowly and gently unpeel the edges away and unveil what Naruto and Sakura supposed was his version of provocative skin… oh so close, so close, come on, how the hell can someone move so inhumanely slow?! But as a skin cell that never felt the singe of oxygen was slapped with the fresh air, his will trembled and cracked and he dropped his trembling hands in defeat. "I can't do it…" he whimpered to Sakura.

Naruto and Sakura sighed exasperatedly, one three times louder than the other, disappointed with their inability to solve the mystery of their Genin days. Sakura asked sugar-sweetly, like a kindergarten teacher, "Why can't you take off your mask?" The words "sweetie" or "honey" would have rolled right off her tongue, the way that she flawlessly hid how she was secretly so crestfallen.

"I can't!" he declared defiantly. "I…" he faltered… "I don't want people to see my face…" his voice lowered with a secret shame.

"Why not?" Sakura asked tenderly, elbowing Naruto in the gut when he whispered "ugly!"

Kakashi looked very innocent and simple minded, the true visionary of a hopeless romantic as he replied dramatically, "I don't want people to judge me on what I look like as opposed to who I am. I don't want people to neither love me for my looks nor be afraid of me because of them. I don't want lust to be the seed of my marriage!" he declared passionately, as if he had been running this same speech in his mind many times. "I don't want someone to fall in love with my looks. I want them to fall in love with _me!_" He finished with a flourish, his eyes shining with a fiery passion.

Naruto stepped back a little. "… See! He _is _butt ugly."


	2. An Introduction to the Lonely Loser

**Icha Icha Tactics  
****Chapter II:** An Introduction to the Lonely Loser

**A/N:** Troublesome chapter, but I suck at introductions. I like Hinata's part though. I recently read "About a Nanny and a Daddy." Good fanfic, go read it. "Cookie" is a bit… OO She kind of scares me and is one of the people that would make me… perturbed to leave my child in the hands of… like Dora the Explorer… but Tenten herself is pretty cool. Neji was so sweet, and Hinata made me love her, even in flashback. She really would be a beautiful, sweet mother. Naruto… is so sweet. He'd be one of the best fathers in the world, but I think his child would take after his persona than Hinata's, and she would prefer it that way.

**Disclaimer**: Don't own. The characters. That about covers it. Love ya! Haha, that was retarded. Ah well. On with the story…

- x -

"Oh? Naruto, you're back already?" Kiba asked, walking up to the slumped over orange figure on a stool in front of the makeshift ramen stand. Only Naruto would really eat ramen at 8:30 in the morning.

Naruto lazily looked up from his face literally in the bowl of ramen and glanced groggily up at the voice. Kiba stepped back in surprise. Was he still asleep, even after having a steaming hot bowl of ramen on his face? What the hell's wrong with him?

"Ohh? Kiba…?" Naruto drawled lazily before going back to his Ramen. Kiba gave him a weird look. "What're you doing here?" Naruto asked in his weird almost sing-song voice.

"I—uh—was just going to meet up with Shino and Hinata. What are… what's wrong? You don't… look yourself…" Kiba asked, his face wincing at the weird Naruto.

"Kiba!" Naruto somewhat wailed. Kiba was very tempted to step back in case Naruto turned into some weird sort of monster and lashed at him.

"Uh… yes?" he asked, his voice sugary sweet cause he was kind of afraid.

"Am I…" he started drunkenly.

"Are you… ?" Kiba trailed hoping Naruto would finish the rest cause he was taking a rather long dramatic pause.

"Am I… attractive?" he fluttered his eyelashes at Kiba, who had he not known better would have known better… nope, never mind, Kiba stepped back in fear.

"Dude," Kiba said, pushing Naruto off his stool. "Never, and I mean _never_ ask a guy that." Naruto lift his face from off the floor and looked at him with watery eyes. "Whether you're butt ugly or damn gorgeous, you'll always be butt-freaking-ugly to me. All right? Why would you ask such a question!?"

Naruto whimpered as he plopped himself back onto his stool. "Kakashi-sensei and Sakura and even Sai were making fun of how clueless at love I am," he said sadly before stuffing his mouth full of ramen.

"You are," muttered Kiba, thinking of his team mate.

"What?" Naruto said in a voice that Kiba wasn't sure if he really did or didn't hear, considering Naruto was a really oblivious yet his tone implied he had heard it but was going to pretend like he did if Kiba retracted his statement.

"N-nothing," Kiba sweatdropped.

He looked at his watch and figured that considering he had only left ten minutes earlier than he planned to meet his team, he probably didn't have too much time to spare.

"O-oy, I gotta go now…" Kiba trailed off and bean walking away, only to see that Naruto had gotten of his stool and started following him in a drunken manner, walking not in a straight line but zigzagging back and forth, letting his body weight drag him in the right direction. "W-where are you going, Naruto!? Oy!" But Naruto had bypassed Kiba to the tree that Team 8 always went to.

"Hinataaa!" Naruto called out to the pale-everything-but-her-hair girl. She turned around and blinked, her heart in her mouth. "Hinata!" Naruto wailed, falling on to her in his stupor. She caught him and stabilized them, of course, but her cheeks flared the usual cherry red and she froze, realizing her position with her ultimate crush.

"N-Naruto-kun!" Hinata stuttered shyly. Kiba ran in to catch up to Naruto to see what kind of havoc he would unintentionally wreak with his fragile team mate.

Shino was there too, leaning on the tree silently, as always. "… What about me? Naruto?" Naruto never greeted Shino for some odd reason. It was like he just blended in with the scenery as a completely covered mannequin of some sort… it wasn't like he had a face anyways, mannequins at least had one painted or carved on.

"Hinata!" Naruto whimpered, looking up at her with puppy dog eyes. "Do you think I'm attractive? Would you like me?"

Hinata froze even more so, if that was possible, blushing n even deeper red, if that too was more possible. She tried to smile sympathetically to the poor chap, but what with her hammering heart, it looked more awkward than anything else. "I… you…"

Hearing her silence, Naruto bust out of her arms dramatically, placing the back of his hand on his forehead in feint. "It's okay, Hinata! You don't have to tell me! Kiba told me I was ugly too!" As he escaped her arms, she herself felt feint and her knees gave way beneath her. She would have fallen had not Kiba rushed in to catch her.

Kiba furrowed his eyebrows, fanning the losing-consciousness Hinata. "Oy, don't pull me into this, idiot! Excuse me that I wouldn't want to go out with you—"

"Shino!" Naruto switched his target. He was about to fall on him for support as he did to Hinata, but one of Sino's bugs crawled out from beneath his jacket and Naruto immediately jumped back. He gave Shino a weird, disgusted look before going back on topic; however the bug did sober him down a bit. "Shino, do you think I'm pathetic at love? If you were a girl, would you be attracted to me?" he looked at his sunglasses-covered face before giving Shino yet another odd look. "… You… you're _not_ a girl, are you?" he asked, worry and fear evident in his voice as he scrunched up his nose and disgust graced his face.

Shino replied coolly, "Even if I was, I would not be attracted to you in the least. Your traits are very crude and would not make good breeding for a mate of any species." He did not bat an eye (not that anyone'd tell.)

Naruto looked stricken with grief. "Really!?" he pleaded with puppy dog eyes to Shino, who seemed to be unaffected, but who knew for the only visible skin was his cheeks and nose and you couldn't quite show much emotion with that. Kiba and Shino felt really awkward, wondering if they should comfort the sulking boy or… just walk away, which rather seemed the better choice at the moment.

Kiba walked over to the fetal-positioned boy and sort of awkwardly pet his hair in sympathy.. "Um… t-that's just us, Naruto… I-I mean… I happen to like girls, and Shino might too, so you're out of the question for us…" Kiba looked around, and seeing a familiar tail of blonde hair going into a bakery, attempting to drag out a certain somebody… "But _maybe_… if you ask someone else, who likes boys, they might like you." He was eager to unload this barrier inhibiting not only their training but their man pride. He forcefully turned Naruto's head to face Ino pulled Chouji out of the bakery by the ear. (However, it couldn't be said that Ino had one that fight, since Chouji was carrying two bags worth of baked goods.)

"Chouji! Chouji!" Naruto called out, running towards the chubby man. "You're a man of fine taste and good judgment! You'd know a good man when you see one!" he cried, pushing Ino to the side, who glared at him indignantly.

Chouji looked towards the waving orange ninja and, well, stuffed a meat bun in his mouth. What did you expect, a lovely welcome?

"Chouji, my good buddy, old pal!" Naruto said chummily, putting his arm around his shoulders. "If you were a woman, do you think I'd be a good guy to go out… at a restaurant… and pay the bill gentlemanly-like… and treat you like a queen… with?" Naruto asked innocently, as if that were his true colours and in no way had his words been modified in any state or form to coerce favorability (although if one brought this to court, he'd deny any of it).

Chouji swallowed his meat bun and got out another, only instead of stuffing the entire thing in his mouth, he only took a large chomp out of it, chewing it thoughtfully. "Mmm," he sounded favorably, "that sounds good." Naruto considered himself a success although everyone else knew what a sucker Chouji was for some free food. "However, I cannot entail you as a good man of choice until you answer my questions favourably. Now," he began in a scientific, professional tone, "I know you're a man of Ichiraku ramen, and that is favourable in itself. No one that likes Ichiraku ramen can be bad," they both agreed. "But, just because you're a good man does not mean you would be upon my select choices. Say I have only enough money for three steaks… too bad, that means there won't be enough for mom and dad… anyways, although I would eat all the meat in the butcher's shop, I could only afford to get three, and I don't know if you're a top choice. I need to ask you some very important questions to decide," Chouji said somberly.

"All right!" Naruto called out determinedly, punching the air with his fist (horizontally, like "I'm pumped, I'm ready" as opposed to vertically which means "All right! I did it!").

"Now…" Chouji started, pausing for dramatic effect, "… do you… always…change the toilet paper after you run out, or leave it empty for the next person to refill it?"

Ino looked at Chouji disgusted. "What kind of a stupid question is that?!"

"One of the highest importance!" he said determinedly, believing it with all his gusto. "Sometimes, although rarely, I eat too much, or drink too much, or even eat something bad, as traumatic as that can be, and I have to rush to the bathroom. Usually there's toilet paper, like at home, but when my mom's gone or when I'm at a restaurant that was busy, sometimes there's no toilet paper! And I'm left there waiting for someone to come in and give me some toilet paper! There's no awkward moment than asking the stranger taking a trip to the urination station and exploding the load to take a minute to spare a poor chap some toilet paper!" he mourned sadly. Ino was thoroughly disgusted by the mental image.

Naruto was totally and completely empathetic, even going as far as blowing his nose at how patriotic his speech was due his own personal experiences with expired milk.

"Yes, yes! As I believed, you my friend are a man of sound judgment and good taste! When I explained that to Sai, he told me," Naruto changed his voice into a mock version of Sai, only it sounded nothing like him and more like a scary transvestite girl, "'Yes, I suppose it must suck to have to use twice as much toilet paper as men, what with your vagina and all.'" Ino spluttered and her eyes widened in disgust at such aconversation involving her privates. Chouji, as Naruto did befoe, seemed sympathetic to the cause.

"Yes, yes, I suppose it would suck," Chouji said somberly, nodding his head as Naruto went "Hey!" "Wait… so, am I answering if I would go out with you if I were the girl, or you?" Chouji asked, genuinely confused.

"Um… I guess—"

"Wait, wait, wait!" Ino yelled in a huff. "Number one, we're late for practice! Even if Shikamaru won't be joining us until 10 doesn't mean we're going to start later for him to get back from filing his report to the Hokage! Two, I don't know or want to know what kind of sick, semi-homo-transsexual conversation you're having, but please continue it where I don't have to get hot flashes! And three," she pointed dramatically with her three fingers at Naruto, "why are you asking _Chouji_ for advice on women, when the pinnacle of femininity is right in front of you?" she asked, her clean, polished fingers on her waist (she had just bleached them with lemon juice and dyed them with flowers to remove the dirt stains accumulated from both working in the flower shop and doing C and B rank missions).

Naruto and Chouji blinked, completely lost as to what Ino was implying. Naruto put his finger on his chin in contemplation.

"Wait… Ino… you're… a girl too, right?" he asked in sudden revelation.

Ino slipped a bit and felt like slapping the poor twit upside the head.

"What?! Are you saying you're more sexually attracted to Chouji than you are to me!?" she screamed in insult. Good thing Team 8 had inconspicuously slipped away by then. A few customers coming out of the bakery looked at them oddly.

"Sexually attracted?" Naruto asked questioningly. He put up his arms and leaned a bit to one side.

"What are you doing, idiot?" Ino huffed angrily.

Naruto blinked. "Seeing which one of you I'm more attracted to," Naruto said, as if it were obvious, falling on his face.

"You retard, you're not a magnet!"

"Then how will I know who I'm more attracted to?" Naruto asked ignorantly.

Ino ground her teeth, seriously insulted that all her beauty regiments did nothing to make her more attractive than the victim she'd been accusing of being completely unattractive… who's not even the same gender! She huffed. "No wonder Sakura said you were completely hopeless about romance."

Naruto froze. "Am I…" Naruto started dramatically, his face looking down into the shadows. Ino would have though he wee crying but no drips dropped on the dirt ground. Chouji was emotionless, eating. "… really… hopeless in love?" he asked desperately, turning his face to Ino with huge puppy dog eyes. However, he looked more scary than pitiful.

She winced. "Yes," she said, not budging an inch for his pathetic-ness. Damn.

"Gaah!" Naruto wailed, running away hurriedly, leaving Ino a very confused scout.

Unfortunately for Shikamaru, he was returning back to Konoha after traveling somewhere. Also unfortunately for him, the first thing to greet him was not his loving friends, a hot meal, or even his troublesome mother. Nope. What he got as his first welcome back was a hug on the face from Naruto. He was clutched on, arms and legs around Shikamaru's face, and the poor twit didn't smell so good either.

Shikamaru tried o take a few steps whilst maintaining his balance with a dork on his face, but his neck felt like falling off. Shoot. That would be troublesome.

"Shikamaru!" Naruto wailed, although it sounded muffled to Shikamaru himself, what with not only Naruto covering his ears but his soon to be losing consciousness. Aw, shoot. He fell.

"Shikamaru!" Naruto wailed, unaware that they had fallen to the ground for Naruto was still clutching onto Shikamaru's head with full power (although not his hair, for Naruto feared it would stab him). "Do you think I'm hopeless in love?"

Shikamaru didn't answer. He had actually… kind of… either fallen unconscious, hitting his head on the ground, or fallen asleep, having traveled through the night, one wasn't quite sure.

Naruto, however, took that as a sign of an affirmative, and Shikamaru was just being quiet because he didn't want to tell him since he was a kind soul who didn't want to hurt his feelings (Naruto doesn't know him at all, does he?).

"It's okay, Shikamaru! I understand," Naruto told the drooling boy, getting of fhis face to go. "No, no, you don't have to pretend…" Naruto cried dramatically, taking the drool as a sign of lust. When Shikamaru's head turned to the side, Naruto took it as Shikamaru feeling ashamed and wanting to be alone, so Naruto turned to leave him in his peace. When Shikamaru started snoring, Naruto thought it was a bomb, and slowly backed away like he didn't see a thing.

"Oy!" loud, obnoxious voice could be heard, despite the fact they were in an abandoned forest, sparring. "Hey Neji!" the voice called. Neji froze in confusion, his voice never being called. Unfortunately, he and Tenten were sparring, and Tenten, realizing she'd never be close to winning nor helping Neji in training unless she gave it her all, and been summoning just about thousands of flying kunais, senbon needles, and other miscellaneous weapons at Neji, which under normal circumstances, Neji would have blocked with his Hakke Kushou. Poor thing, he was. Got knocked down by a flying mace.

"Neji!" Tenten cried in worried. Immediately, she recalled all her weapons back to her scrolls and jumped down to him.

Completely off guard, he had fallen down, spread eagle on the floor. Tenten had never seen Neji look so discomposed before, and although it kind of worried her… it was rather amusing too. It was one of those things you'll never get to see again, so you might as well enjoy it

Well, anyways, Tenten immediately rushed to his side, cradling his head gently in her arms and into her lap. "Neji," she whispered softly to him, almost cooingly, like to a baby.

Naruto just stood on the side, confused at what happened. He didn't know he had caused the accident, but he wasn't about to go cradling Neji head like Tenten.

Tenten crinkled her eyebrows in worry. I mean, sure, he was knocked down with a mace surrounded by spikes, but… oh… shit. That'll leave a mark. Luckily it had only hit him in the gut and caused him to fall back and hit his head, which explains why he was unconscious.

"Is he… um… okay?" Naruto asked skeptically. He didn't want to feel stupid… nor interrupt if Neji was actually awake and he and Tenten were having some sort of love fest.

Tenten still looked loyally worried. She kept whispering his name softly every few seconds, brushing his bangs off his forehead, claiming to check if he was getting clammy or not. In reality, she was fidgeting like a mother, not knowing what to do. Neji was over a head taller than her an probably almost twice her weight. She was a wispy, small and fast stealth ninja, not a bodybuilder.

After a few minutes, Neji's eyes slowly began to flutter. He woke up, more luckily than Shikamaru, to Tenten's worried face… and then Naruto's interrupting as he shoved himself between them. Ugh… Naruto's face was barely hovering an inch above his own.

Neji reflexively sat up… well, who wouldn't, being scared half to death by Naruto's face? Unfortunately, he didn't have enough room for his reflexive reaction and hit his head on Naruto's. Ow, that's hard.

"Ow, Neji! What'd you do that for?!" Naruto yelled, holding his head in pain. Neji glared evilly at Naruto, as if wishing him death. He too was holding his head, before falling back down on Tenten's lap in pain (he hit his head worse, Naruto's head is harder).

Unable to muster the strength to get up, his head feeling like he had a hangover or something what with his brain jiggling around, he settled comfortably there, oblivious of Tenten's fluttering butterflies. It was different when he was unconscious; it was a motherly sort of action, wanting him to be comfortable and warm… and where she could look at his finally peaceful face. Now, she froze stock still. She had never been this close to him before… without murderous intent, that is.

"What do you want?" Neji seethed to Naruto, who stopped jumping around to look confusedly at Neji.

"What? I—uh…" Naruto looked up, as if at his brain. "I—uh… wanted to ask you something."

"What?"

"I… forgot," Naruto ended lamely.

Neji sighed almost angrily. He closed his eyes, either to think or sleep, one didn't know. They looked almost identical until after Neji was asleep and his eyebrows un-furrowed.

"Are you okay, Neji?" Tenten asked kindly. "Does your head hurt?"

Neji opened his eyes and blinked up at Tenten. "I'm fine," he said. His voice was a little softer, kinder, although not by much. One worried how he would talk to a baby. "It didn't hurt that much," he lied, closing his eyes again. If it didn't hurt, why was he still lying on Tenten's lap?

Naruto snapped. "Oh! I remember now!" Naruto exclaimed. "Neji, Neji! Oh… I suppose Tenten could answer too. But, hey, uh, anyways… do you think I'm stupid at love?"

"At love? Only?' Tenten muttered sarcastically under her breath.

"Well?" Naruto asked, pushing his face _really_ close to hers, causing her to shrink back in fear.

She giggled forcefully and awkwardly. "I… um… I'll let Neji answer this," she smiled innocently.

Neji's eyes snapped open, his nose flaring in disgust. Crap. No way out.

"You want the truth?" Neji said unemotionally.

"Which one's the good answer?" Naruto asked.

"Too bad," Neji ignored him. "The answer's no."

Naruto looked at Neji, glaring. Neji sort of glared back, but in a more bored fashion, as if to say, "Ok, so you beat me once in a contest and changed my emo outlook on life into a dandy sunshiny one. But that in no way entails that I must go out with you."

Naruto sighed grumpily, losing the semi-staring contest with Neji. Neji was about to lay back and smirk in his glory, but…

Tenten cleared her throat timidly. "Um… Neji?" She fidgeted a bit and looked awfully shy. Her cheeks were tinted a bit pink, but the shadows on her face hid them easily. He looked at her to continue.

"A-are you sure your head doesn't hurt anymore?" she asked.

He blinked confusedly, wondering why she was doubting him. "Yes… ?"

"Do you want to… get up?" she blushed, looking away. She didn't really know how to word it eloquently without feeling stupid.

Neji, still confused, froze in dawning realization. "Oh," he said simply.

Tenten blushed a bit deeper. "I kind of… need to use the bathroom," she looked away.

Neji immediately jumped up, muttering vehemently, "My sincerest apologies," in that sort of butler-ish way as she scurried off in the jumble for the trees. He suddenly held his head as he felt his brain move or what felt like it anyways. He had moved too fast for his healing injuries. That mace wound on his bruised gut didn't help either. Luckily they had been practicing tirelessly for a week, helping Tenten train for the upcoming Jounin exams and the spikes had dulled with use, after being slammed on the ground when it missed time after time about a hundred times, so his skin wasn't pierced.

"Oy!" Naruto said, rushing to hold Neji stable. "Are you sure you're fine?" Naruto asked.

"Of course… not," Neji said, his voice weakening, until he finally fell on the ground. "I just said that to Tenten… because…"

"You don't want her to worry?" Naruto asked, smiling.

Neji looked at Naruto like he was a dolt. "No, you moron. I can't let her think she hurt me. When a girl hits you and it hurts, you have to act like it doesn't."

"Why?" Naruto asked, as if it were the stupidest thing he's ever heard. It should be, he read it in the Icha Icha Tactics book and already thought it was the stupidest thing he's ever heard. This was just déjà vu.

"Because," Neji said, as if it were obvious. "It's just how it goes. It's one of the unbreakable, unquestionable rules about love."

"Oh…" Naruto asked and trudged off as Tenten returned.

On his way out, a familiar voice met him.

"Naruto!" A flash of green came his way.

"Lee?" Naruto asked… the world. He wasn't really quite sure where his friend was, he was too fast.

"Yes!" he replied, stopping in front of him, finally, after seeming as if he went a hundred laps around him.

Naruto contemplated a second before starting. "Hey, Lee, I have a question…"

"Yes, Naruto?!" he half screamed in his excitement. Exercise may give you endorphins and make you happy and excited and energetic… but there was a limit. "I will try my best to answer it!"

"Do you think… I'm unskilled at love?" Naruto asked. He didn't quite think that Lee was the best person to ask considering… well, Naruto wouldn't even think Lee was skilled at love.

"You!?" Lee exclaimed in outrage. "Unskilled!? At?! Love?!" he repeated the question staccato-ly. "Why no! Of course not! Do not think that you fail at love just because you fail to capture the youthful pink flower of Konoha, my forever proclaimed love, Sakura!"

Naruto would have accepted this answer gratefully compared to the others, until—"

"I too have yet to tame this wild beast of a woman—a beautiful youthful beast, but a beast at that—and I am not unskilled at love! No, no, my friend! She is just a _beast_ of a woman!"

Naruto twitched at the comparison. Him… as skilled as Lee? At taijutsu, sure, but… love?! Damn… that bad?!

Naruto sulkily trudged away through the woods, unbothered as Lee rampaged and raged about how cold and beastly Sakura was to his fiery, passionate expressions of love, yet at the same time, was still the sweet, beautiful goddess that warmed his heart and melted his soul.

Naruto spent the next few hours going all over Konoha, asking people that he didn't even know if they would go out with him, regardless of race, ethnicity or even species (Akamaru bit his nose before Kiba came, giving Naruto an odd look). Tsunade herself and fallen over on her chair in a fit of unadulterated laughter. Shizune tried to be polite and immediately ran away to avoid answering. Gai gave Naruto an almost identical speech as Lee did, slightly altered for the situations. A few random people slammed their doors on him. Naruto didn't know who they were either, but he still found it insulting.

As the sun came down (and Sakura and Kakashi gave up on trying to get some training done), Naruto dragged himself to his favorite ramen stand, Ichiraku Ramen. Back to square one.

He lay his head on the table and slumped in his chair in a position not unlike the one that morning. He lazily drawled out for his regular.

As he waited dejectedly for his food, a dark figure walked up to him timidly.

"Naruto-kun?" a familiar shy voice asked, although she knew it was him. Who could miss him with his blaringly loud clothes?

He opened his half-closed eyes and turned around to see the owner of the voice. "Hinata? What are you doing here?" he asked, his posture inadvertently straightening. "Come to eat ramen with me?" he asked, his voice somewhat back to his normal cheerful self. He loved having company for dinner.

Hinata smiled shyly, blushing a bit before nodding. Naruto patted the chair beside him in notion for her to sit, where she of course, obeyed.

"Another bowl of ramen, Mister!" Naruto called out more loudly than he needed. Hinata felt her heart grow wings. She knew he wasn't happy because of _her_, per se, and she told herself that over and over again. But she couldn't help but feel happy what he was happy and she in some sort of sense was related to that happiness.

"Where's Kiba and Shino?" Naruto asked casually, fidgeting on his stool.

Hinata's pulse raced. That always happened when he talked to her, no matter what the topic. "Um… practice ended so they went home…" she said, twiddling her thumbs beneath the table. Naruto replied with a simple "oh."

He spun himself in semi-circles with his rotating stool, relishing in the awkward silence. Hinata just sat there, sneaking glances at him. It was true she had just come from practice. What she didn't tell him was that every day after practice she took a detour to the ramen shack to look for a familiar orange jacket with spiky blonde hair. Only today did luck favour her.

"Hinata." Naruto turned to her, his voice somewhat calmer than usual. "Do you know, no one thought I would be a person that someone would love…" His eyes were closed as if smiling, but they were actually hiding his pain. Hinata knew this.

_I love you… _she wanted to say. But "oh…" is all she said.

"Yeah," Naruto said, nodding, completely unaware of the internal struggle Hinata was fighting and always and forever would fight. "But look at them!" he said loudly, suddenly, his expression turning jokingly. "I couldn't imagine half of them with a girl either! And they were laughing at me?! Psh!" he laughed, a little too loudly.

Hinata smiled in spite of herself. She knew he was putting on an act and didn't want her to be sad for him. He always did that, despite his own pain. That's why she loved him.

An awkward silence took over them once again. She began to twiddle her thumbs again, when suddenly—

"Hey Hinata," Naruto whispered into her ear. When did he get that close to her? Her heart sped up tenfold and her face was so hot, she felt she needed sun block despite the night. She didn't dare look at him, lest he see her blushing face. Despite the years, he never got a clue.

"Want to know a secret?" he asked eagerly.

She smiled encouragingly at him, the way she always did, yet Naruto always took for granted.

Naruto leaned back on his own stool and put his head in his hands, turning to face her. He looked wondrous, magnificent, beautiful, as he always looked in her eyes. He smiled at her, a rare genuine smile that he claimed he only ever gave her, because no one else deserved it. She didn't know whether she loved it or pitied it, as his eyes would always look saddened and pained… it was the smile he'd give whenever he talked about Sasuke and Jiraiya. It was the smile he hid when he thought about his parents. It was the smile he gave to hide his pain.

"I know it doesn't look like it, but… I want to have a family one day. I want to fall in love too… but I don't want to be the only one in love. I want to find the person that was made for me, y'know?" He looked beautiful as he looked at her yet wasn't looking at her at all. He was completely absorbed in his thoughts. "I want to find the person who I'll love more than anyone in the world and who'll love me just as much as I love her… does that sound stupid?" he asked.

_How could it?_ She thought. "I think that's beautiful," she said, her usual smile, just for him. _You're beautiful_, she thought.

He smiled and swung around his stool. "I _guess_," he said, flashing a playful grin. There go those wings again.

He swung around playfully on his stool again, his face brightening like effervescent fluorescent light bulbs when his bowl of noodles was placed before him. "But that won't be happening if no one likes me," he said jokingly, only he wasn't joking at all. She smiled for his sake though. "So, I guess... that means I should change myself, huh?" he asked, somewhat jokingly. He had on that forced smile again.

She did too. _You're perfect_ she wanted to say. We all know how well she translates her thoughts though.

"It's not that I want to change," he added, looking at her. "Ero-sennin told me once that I was fine the way I was… he said I reminded him of my dad… well, the next day he told me he retracted the statement though…" Naruto sighed. "It's just… I've never had parents… I didn't have anyone for thirteen years…" his eyes fogged up, "And… it's just… really lonely at home. I don't want to be alone forever, you know Hinata?" he smiled at her in that wondrous smile. He blinked. "Well, I suppose not…" But she did. But she didn't want to talk about herself. She didn't want him to worry.

He slurped down his noodles quickly. He was about to gulp down the soup, when he turned to Hinata. "You've barely touched your noodles. Don't worry about paying, they're on me! I've been saving up," he added, making sure it wasn't anything about money, though mentally reprimanding himself for saying that to the heiress of one of the most renowned clans in Konoha… who live in a mansion. "Is something wrong?"

She shook her head and timidly and delicately ate her noodles. No matter what she did, she never looked messy or loud or not elegant. Was it a Hyuuga trait? Naruto shook his head, shaking those thoughts out of his head with them, turning back to his unfinished noodles.

He finished his bowl, not wasting a drop, and ordered seconds. When he finished with that, Hinata was barely halfway through hers, but she pushed it away from her, claiming she was full.

Naruto took them from her, asking if it were alright if he finished them. "Don't waste," he claimed, and with his paycheck, he really couldn't afford to. "Jeez, Hinata," he said, his mouth full of noodles. "You really have a small stomach! You didn't even eat half!" He swallowed and filled his mouth again. She didn't mind that he talked with his mouth full and looked like he had no manners at all, something that Sakura and Ino gave him a huge lecture on, Ino going as far as leaving the table. "No wonder you're small! You eat like a bird!"

She smiled, not bothering to correct him that birds eat their weight in food every twelve hours. She sat there contentedly, watching him eat. She was always perfectly fine just being with him… she thought.

"So," he began, drinking the soup. A little trickle accidentally escaped his lip and he hurriedly wiped it with his sleeve before it reached his clothing (shh, we'll let him think that). "I've been thinking…" he took one last sip before finishing off the bowl and wiping his mouth, "do you think I should change myself?" he asked, looking at Hinata.

Hinata felt like a deer trapped in headlights. She felt a little feint, but she had grown at least a 1 immunity to her Naruto-syndrome in the past few years, so she didn't _actually _faint. But she didn't know what to say either.

"Whatever Naruto-kun decides, I'm sure it's the right decision," she said as a loophole. What was she supposed to say? "No, I love you and if you change, some slutty whore might take you away from me…"?

He smiled at her, honestly, before grinning his Naruto grin. "All right then! With Hinata supporting me, I'll find a girl who'll like me! Believe it!"

She smiled at him.

"I promise. It's my ninja way!" he declared, pumping his fist in the air.

Her smile faltered just a bit, but she smiled for him in spite of herself. He said it. So she knew it would come true.

Naruto put the money on the table, closing Hinata's hand over the money in her palm, unwilling to accept it. "It's on me, remember? Besides, not only did I eat half your bowl, but it would be ungentlemanly (he struggled with the word) for me to allow you to pay." She knew he was actually pressed for money. But she didn't want him to know she knew.

"I'll walk you home, okay?" he asked, smiling how he believed to be suave. She smiled at him bravely, savoring the feeling of him acting like he was on a date with her… although she was simply practice for him. The way she always had to remind herself he never thought of her like that always broke her heart, but she learned not to let it show, especially when he was near.

She shook her head, the same nonchalant smile playing on her lips. "That's okay, Naruto-kun. I can get home on my own." He looked at her worriedly, as if he didn't believe her, despite her being an up-and-coming Jounin.

"Are you sure, Hinata? There are a bunch of weirdoes out at night—" he said in a light tone, only to be interrupted by her.

"Besides," she felt her heart wrench. It always did, though, so she learned to ignore it, "you… wouldn't want a potential girlfriend to see you with me, right? It might ruin your chances." She smiled, her eyes closed so she wouldn't be able to see the look Naruto was giving her. He knew she was right… but there was something odd in the way she smiled like she didn't believe her words herself.


	3. How to Drive a Woman Away

**Icha Icha Tactics  
****Chapter III:** How to Drive a Woman Away

**A/N:** _Really_ horrible at this chapter. I… am really innocent. I wouldn't know crap about hitting on anyone or flirting or anything. These probably come from online. Oh, and any Naruto-related ones are from The Mating Frenzy. Read that. I'm only half way through, but it's rpetty funny. I can't really read it in band though, I'd feel weird when the person next to me looks and sees a weird word and goes "WHAT ARE YOU READING?!" Oh, and as for Kiba hitting on that girl… I sort of imagined it but I think slower than I read so it didn't work out well. But… I kind of just imagined him saying a line, a girl giggling, playing along, and he'd have something to brag about to his friends. Haha. The whole deciphering how she was a ninja and stuff… been watching Detective Conan. Seen just about every subbed episode, and I've been searching almost as long for more.

**Disclaimer:** Not mine… yes, yes… do you really get in trouble if you don't write this? I dunno, but it evens out the huge author's note above… I have a little bit of OCD in me. Oh, yeah… some Naruto-themed pick up lines come from The Mating Frenzy, the rest from the Useless Pickup Lines website, and one off Anime Pickup Lines.

- x –

"Oh no, I'm choking! I need mouth to mouth, quick!" Naruto yelled, flailing his arms dramatically.

No one, especially his target, budged, for it was kind of hard to believe him when his voice was perfectly clear and he hadn't ordered anything. Unfortunately, the git, in all his mayhem, wound up choking on his spit.

Sai got up and awkwardly put his arms around Naruto, who struggled to get away, besides coughing up a frenzy.

"No—cough—get—cough-away from me, y—cough-ou little pervert!" Naruto panicked, trying to escape Sai's "molestation."

"You asked for help," Sai said monotonously. Sakura sighed exasperatedly, dropping her fork on her plate.

"Naruto," she sighed, "sit down and shut up. You're embarrassing me. You were the one that wanted to eat out as a team, saying that Chouji, Ino and Shikamaru do. Not only did you show up late but if you've just brought us here to watch you fail at flirting, or worse, flirt with me, then Sai and I will leave right now."

"No, wait Saku—cough—ra!" Naruto called. Sai hit him on the back, catching him by surprise and Naruto tripped over himself, falling on the floor. He glared at Sai as if he were the demon spawn of Orochimaru.

Sakura finished eating the rest of her hot cake, placing the fork down gently and calling the waiter. She paid her bill and stood up to leave.

"Sakura!" Naruto moaned in fake agony. "Don't leave me alone, pretty, pretty Sakura!" he said, knowing she liked being flattered despite what she said. "Is this how you leave a man on his knees begging for a little love?" he whimpered, a heap on the floor.

She sighed at Naruto's pathetic state, ignoring his last comment. "Shut up, Naruto. I'm leaving. When you're done eating, you can catch up at the training grounds, okay? Don't be too late, you wasted a day yesterday."

Naruto nodded, rivers down his eyes which he quickly blinked away as if they were a prop. Shoot, he still needed some practice with his pick up lines.

Luckily he heard some common voices as Sakura opened the door to leave.

"Eh? It's Sakura and Sai!" Ino's voice called out.

"Hi Ino," Sakura said. "We're just leaving."

Naruto could hear Ino's disappointment. Within seconds, Ino and Sakura exchanged audible byes (Shikamaru and Chouji waved), and Sai said something about her being gorgeous or something, and then Ino's blonde hair and Shikamaru and Chouji's pointy hair could be seen walking through the door.

"Naruto?" Ino blinked, confused to as why the boy was still in the restaurant… on the floor. "Shouldn't you be with Sakura and Sai?"

"I—" he began, about to tell her the truth. "I… I came over because I noticed your chakra use is limited, and well, let's just say I really know how to get your chakra flowing."

Ino looked at him, expressionlessly. "What?" she half grunted in disbelief.

"Yeah," Naruto smirked, nodding in arrogance. "How'd you like to see my kunai?" Naruto asked pervertedly, waggling his eyebrows.

"… What?!" Ino asked, half hysterical. She looked at Shikamaru and Chouji to see if she wasn't the only insane one. Shikamaru had fallen asleep at a table, however, and Chouji was ordering from the menu.

"Alele?" Naruto sounded in mock surprise. "I think I crapped my pants from… your face… I-I mean! From its beauty!" Naruto exclaimed in a higher pitched voice, trying to fix his mistake when Ino looked murderous. He reverted back to his smooth-or-so-he-thought voice. "Yeah… so… can I get into yours?"

"You jerk!" Ino yelled, slapping him across the face. Naruto blinked as Ino stomped out of the room, telling (or more like yelling) Chouji that she wasn't hungryand to meet her up when they lost the perverted jerk. Naruto confusedly wandered to Chouji and Shikamaru's table, touching his cheek and wondering why everyone kept hitting it.

"What were you trying to do, Naruto?" Chouji asked after ordering half of the menu without even looking.

"Practicing my pick-up lines," Naruto said. "But they don't seem to be working well. Weird… I've already had like four women and a man slap me… well, the man punched me, but I don't see why."

"Maybe you should practice them on someone before trying them out before a critique. Otherwise, every woman in Konoha will have slapped, kicked, kneed, or thrown a kunai at you and you'll never get it right," Chouji offered.

"Ew!" Naruto said. "I'm not trying to pick you up. You're, like, too heavy." Naruto bust out laughing. "Get it? Get it?"

Chouji didn't laugh. Shikamaru fell asleep again. His head, which was on his hand, slipped and he hit himself on the table.

Naruto got up from the table, having snatched a piece of bacon off Shikamaru's plate (after Chouji stole a slice of ham). "Nah, that's okay," he said, getting ready to leave. "Besides, I don't see you with a girl anyways," her muttered under his breath.

"What?" Chouji asked, his nostrils flaring at the detection of something insulting. But Naruto had already left.Naruto skipped merrily to the practice field. Why? No one knows. But he felt energized, like he held the world in his hand. Like today, luck would favour him. Like today, he would get a girlfriend… or something of the sort. He whistled an odd tune, but he didn't know how to whistle higher or lower, so it was more of a monotonous tune. Nevertheless, he whistled to the practice field.

Team Kakashi's practice went decently smoothly, except for the fact that Naruto wasn't concentrating at all and throwing out bad pick up lines every dodge, causing Sakura to throw kunais, shurikens, and an occasional explosive. Needless to say, Sakura was insulted by each word that came out of the boy's mouth. Sai was flattered (to Sakura and Naruto's horror).

Practice flew by… well, really it didn't. It was completely monotonous and boring for dodging steel missiles and trying not to get injured or die. But the excruciating 5 hours (they braked for lunch) was too boring and repetitive to explain in detail.

Even after they had called practice over, Sakura didn't stop. Naruto was being so annoying and completely ruining practice (when she and Ino had made a bet on who would become Jounin first) that despite unanimous agreement to take off for the day, when Naruto landed from the tree branch he was on, he was met with a charging Sakura and a punch in his gut. She blamed it on not hearing Sai's announcement since they technically were sparring with each other, but she had been fighting with Sai...

Anyways, Naruto had dragged himself to the nearest shanty with a chair. Sakura's Tsunade-like punch, although it didn't quite break any bones like the real Tsunade to Naruto's old mentor, Jiraiya, but hell if it didn't feel like she had ruptured his everything. However, he wouldn't let Sakura and her unexplainable rage of what Naruto liked to think was jealousy ruin his chances at love. Yes, no sir.

"Hey…" Naruto said in a tone that seemed to be seductive, but in reality he could barely breathe for it felt like Sakura punctured his lungs. Oh well, he ran with it. "I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you."

Needless to say, the poor victim beside him promptly left. _What's her problem…_

Over the next few minutes, he tried his wonderful pick up lines (amongst such favourites such as "hey, are you one of those chicks who goes out with guys right off the bat? Because that's what I'm looking for" and "you need a man in your life, baby. And like, I need a woman. Let's like get into each other's life or whatever.") amongst the next few customers, regardless of race, wherein the owner, deciphering a common pattern, kicked the git out for scaring away all the customers.

Kyuubi powers activated, Naruto quickly scurried away before another pan was thrown at him. His flirting day rather wound up a series of event that greatly resembled the above incident.

Attempt number one: In front of a clothing boutique, he found another target. Oh yeah, game on.

He walked up to her casually, put his hands in his pockets nadloked away, trying to act cool. Cool and detached, like he wasn't interested and he was too good for you. Yeah. Awesome.

He glanced at her with his eyes, though not budging his head an inch. _Damn,_ he thought. She hadn't budged either! She hadn't even turned to look at him, to even acknowledge his presence! She was playing it cool too! Oh… she was good.

_Calm down, hot stuff. Don't let her affect your game plan. _"So…" he started, in that voice that you try to act like you don't are although it's really obvious that you do cause you're acting like you don't, "I can tell by the way you're ignoring me that you want me..."

No reaction.

"All right, that's cool," he continued, still not budging his head to look at her. "But I'm just letting you know that I noticed you noticing me and so I just came here to say I noticed you too."

No reaction.

"All right, that's cool… that's cooool…" he said, drawling out the last word. "I'll let you have my number if you ask, but you better ask in the next five seconds, girl, cause I gotta go… film a movie…" he said, still playing it off awkwardly.

Still no response.

"C'mon… 4… 3…. 2… 1…" Naruto looked at her expectantly, still not moving his head.

No response.

"All right… last chance…"

No response.

"Sorry babe, gotta go," Naruto walked two steps. "Last chance," he said stopping suddenly, mid-step.

No response.

"Fine. I see how it is." He left.

A little boy ran to where Naruto had been standing a few seconds ago.

"Mommy!" he screamed frantically. "This lady's naked!" he screamed, oh so innocently when men weren't rampant on hormones.

"Honey, honey," the mother said, running up to him. "It's okay, it's just a mannequin. It won't hurt you," she replied, picking up the boy as he poked the mannequin's… ho hum.

Attempt number two: Inside the clothing boutique… in the changing rooms… or rather peeking in the area under one, he smoothly said,

"I'm invisible."

She screamed and covered herself up.

"Can you see me?" he asked stupidly (she screamed, of course she can you dolt).

"Yes!" she screamed in a mixture of fury and… more fury. She was huddling herelf up against the wall, although there were mirrors everywhere.

"Great!" Naruto said happily. "How about tomorrow night?"

She threw the hanger, dress, and mirror at him. No, the mirror was not detached to the wall, but she found a way to make it.

Attempt number three: In a coffee shop, he found a rather nice looking lady that looked rather lonely. She didn't actually look lonely, but Naruto liked to think he was saving the poor lady from… whatever. As long as he came out to look like a hero.

"Do you have a boyfriend?" her asked excitedly, like a little kid begging for candy… or pocket change.

She narrowed her eyes at this little boy's intentions. She was well around 28, 29… although Naruto was merely a few years less than her, the fact that he was… crawling around like a fox didn't help him look any grown up. His over zealous voice kind of threw people off too.

"Yes," she said coldly, turning away from him.

"Do you want another one?!" Naruto's eyes brightened excitedly. If he were a dog, his tail would wag.

However, his expression dampened like he had been hit with a newspaper and an arm came around the lady and—

"Yo, Naruto." It was Kakashi-sensei.

"Kakashi-sensei!" Naruto exclaimed, stunned. _What? This old guy still had game?_

"Ready to go?" Kakashi said softly into the lady's ear in an oddly caring tone that made Naruto gag and the lady smile flirtatiously with him. His arm still around her, she clung to his body like shrink wrap as they somehow managed to walk towards the exit (it was like a three-legged race, what with how close they were together).

"Kakashi-sensei!" Naruto started, still paralyzed from… ew. "How did you--?!"

As his date was too busy looking forward and making sure she didn't crash into the side of the door (well, they had to fit two people through at the same time), Kakashi smoothly flashed his orange book as if he were waiting for Naruto to ask. That damn Icha Icha Tactics?! Seriously?!

Kakashi just as smoothly hid it wherever he always hid it and smirked (Naruto didn't quite see it but he felt Kakashi's venomous radioactive rays penetrating his very being). He gave Naruto a look that read nothing short of "who's laughing now, sucker!?" before walking out the door. Damn him and his stupid perverted book.

Attempts four through seventeen occurred at a pub. After laughing their guts out viewing one of his hideous attempts at wooing a girl, an anonymous source (Tsunade) tipped Naruto off that if they were drunk, they'd be more likely to say yes (despite Shizune's strong disapproval… to which Tsunade replied "it's the truth" and then proceeded to tell them a story of how she knew this was true).

He really tried to listen to Tsunade-baachan, he really did. Too bad she didn't know Naruto was so idiotic as to need to have being drunk explained to him. As a result, he instinctively steered away from the women who were singing on the tables, and grinding on things, and licking tables, peoples and things, and just all in all looked crazy, like Rock Lee over there.

Naruto looked around the room, scanning for his options. The first girl he went up to didn't really like him, but once again, he didn't understand why. I mean, she didn't even get to know him or find out his name, all he said was, "You may not be really hot, but I bet you'll say yes." Jeez.

After that rejection, he went through two more of unknown mysteries. Both times he had sat down next to a victim at the bar. The first time he had slyly said, "So… you're a girl, huh?" It might not have been so bad if it really was a girl too…

Second time, he opened his mouth for his next slick move… only what had come out came from the wrong hole. The girl looked at him in disgust (didn't help that it was Hana Inuzaka, who had super smelling powers) before stomping away. "Wait!" he yelled. "I'm sorry, but I can't help that my love for you is like diarrhea! I just can't hold it in!" The oblivious twit had to scream it too.

The next lady he went to, he made sure to be very gentlemanly, like a true wimp. He made sure to think of Jiraiya, his mentor of love and other nonesuch, as his role model.

"Excuse me," Naruto said. Yes, manners. Score one for Naruto. "Want to dance?"

"No," she said ruthlessly, not even looking at him. What a—!

Naruto turned away with a scowl. "Maybe you didn't hear me ... I said you look really fat in those pants!" he yelled before turning on his heel and tramping away in a huff.

Over and over, Naruto tried every different pick up line in the book, the bad book mind you but a book, and got one of the following responses: a slap, a punch (from a guy noticing that some man whore was trying to steal his girl), another various form of violence, or just a plain out rejection… although he did manage to snag a guy… who was desperate, but evidently not desperate enough.

By this time, practice indubitably ended for those ninjas not at work. A couple of stressed male shinobi, trying to relax and soothe the knots of stress accumulated from their hard work by getting an innocent drink came to a coincidentally similar pub, namely Kiba, Shikamaru and Chouji. Now, who could possible miss seeing the only obnoxious orange-clad, spiky blonde haired ninja in Konoha, much less a small pub? Not to mention…

"Oy," Naruto said depressed, plopping his head down on their table. He hadn't even looked at the faces, just plopped down as if using their table to sleep. "Be unique and different…" he started, monotonously, dead. "Say yes."

Chouji crunched on the beer nuts. "To what?" he asked innocently.

Naruto looked up. "Eh? Chouji? Shikamaru? Kiba? What are you doing here?"

"Hopefully getting a drink without being hit on by a homosexual male," Shikamaru said lazily, yet still managing to glare at Naruto in a sickened manner. He sighed before getting himself up to order drinks ("I'll get you whatever and you'll like it."), complaining something about no one else getting up to do it since he was sitting on the edge and it'd be troublesome to get up just to move for Kiba anyways.

"Yeah Naruto," Kiba said, crinkling his nose. "What are you doing? Driving away customers? If I hadn't known it was you, I'da either left or a fight was about to bust out."

Naruto sighed heavily, sitting in Shikamaru's empty spot. "I was trying to get a girl!" he whined, depressed that even his friends, who suck at love too, except maybe Kiba, were insulting him. "Even Kakashi-sensei got a girl! It shouldn't be that hard! So why aren't my lines working?! Eh?!" he fully believed in the power of his lines, unfortunately.

"Oh yeah, I totally agree," Kiba said sarcastically, leaning on his hand. "That line you fed us was gold. Made us feel as special as a piece of used toilet paper, that did."

"Really?" Naruto said, his eyes shining with renewed encouragement. _Damn_, thought Kiba. _Forgot that sarcasm is lost on him._

"No," Kiba said dully. "What other crap did you try to spew on people, eh? 'If you were a booger I'd pick you first?' Or maybe," his voice changed into an uncanny version of Naruto's sexy voice, "'Hi, will you help me find my lost puppy? I think he went into this cheap motel room across the street.

'" He wiggled his eyebrows.

Chouji laughed, "Knowing Naruto, he'd probably say something like, 'Hey I see you are wearing clothes. I'm wearing clothes. Did you know we have something in common? We should get together and do something sometime,' or something like that, right?" he and Kiba bust out laughing. Naruto flushed with embarrassment; he had used that line an hour ago.

"Shuddup," Naruto muttered, blushing. "Fine, then what am I supposed to say, eh?"

Chouji went back to eating obstinately, him having no experience either. It wasn't that he was as clueless as Naruto was, but he'd never try at all period. He just knew what _not_ to do.

Kiba on the other hand replied defensively, "Eh? You want me to ask someone out here? The girls that come here are…" he looked around, his face a sign of pure repulsion, "… desperate." Not desperate enough for Naruto, evidently. "Why do you think I hit on girls from other villages? No commitment. There's no nagging girl checking up on my every move. You can be sure the girls here will cling to your every word and cling to you like you're a god every second of every day, especially since you're in the same village as them." Yes, that's why Kiba was admired as the most knowledgeable about girls.

"I'll take them," Naruto whimpered desperately.

"Yes, I'm sure you would," Kiba replied. "But anyways…"

"Please, Kiba?! Show me your ways!" Naruto begged. "Oh, master! Teach me!" he started bowing furiously.

"Yeah, Kiba, show us how it's done," Chouji asked, wanting to learn for future experience as well.

"Do what?" Shikamaru added in, putting down three beers on the table. Yeah, when they boys became of age, they started drinking. It was practically their initiation to their testosterone club than a birthday celebration or anything. None the girls except Ino had taken a sip of anything with even 1 concentration of alcohol, although Sakura had drunken wine when she was 9 from her parents. An Ino had only drunken a little sake because Shikamaru and Chouji were there and wouldn't leave and she got just a_ little_ thirsty. Shikamaru and Chouji were already a little drunk at the time, they didn't remember a thing, despite Shikamaru's seemingly sober persona at the time. Yes… and they were still single, without any experience… except Kiba and Ino (but not together).

"W-why not Shikamaru do it, then?" Kiba asked, not wanting to even touch one of those girls.

"Do what?" he asked again.

"Because," Chouji answered for him, lowering his voice, "… he has someone."

"Eh?!" Naruto and Kiba bust out together. "Who?!"

"Have who to do what?" Shikamaru's dull voice replied still in the background.

"Um… well, technically, I guess he doesn't… but he's still a bit off limits." Kiba and Naruto's face relaxed back to an "oh… too bad" position.

"Then he can do it then," Kiba persisted.

"Do _what_?" How troublesome.

"No, I told you, he's off limits. Besides, he'd suck at it anyways."

Well, how rude. And you're supposed to be my best friend. "At what?"

Kiba studied Shikamaru's expressionless face, and sighed loudly. Damn, he was right, Shikamaru'd suck at flirting just as bad as Naruto. "Fine," he sighed, getting up. "But pay close attention, I'm not doing this again no matter how bad you suck."

The other boys got up close behind him, for where they were sitting, they wouldn't be able to see anything. Well, that is, everyone but Shikamaru. He deemed this a useless skill in life, so Chouji figured he'd help him out later. Oh, and Akamaru. He'd kind of give it away.

"All right," Kiba started, spotting a rather attractive girl at the bar, drinking a classy glass of wine. "You two go there in front of me, it'd look obvious or awkward if three guys came at her at once. But don't stare, you nimrods, cause either she'll think you're desperate stalkers, or she's got something on her face." And Chouji and Naruto scurried off on either sides of her, trying to seem innocent. Chouji pulled it off well after the first minute, eating the free pretzels with vigor.

She didn't turn to look at them however, but minded herself (a good thing for Kiba since if she saw him with them, she'd be confused to as to why two of them were surrounding her when most people were dancing). Her legs were crossed and she was dressed rather seductively, but not so much as to deem her a slut so it'd be challenging for someone like Naruto, yet dressed with enough sass and attitude upon her face that he knew she wasn't here to meet desperate fools to marry, but wait for someone. But he deemed it wasn't a friend, but a blind date, for who would dress like _that_ for a friend unless it were a _good_ one at that; as for being her boyfriend than a blind date? Well, she just even turn a head to see if the person she were waiting for were there yet, so she was either snobby, patient or didn't know who she was waiting for. Yeah, only Kiba would notice these things. Besides, she didn't smell wet down there.

In four minutes (he had only planned to wait a minute, but another guy had come to ask her out and came off looking rejected, so he waited another minute to not look like she was a slut show), Kiba walked over to her, smiling sheepishly (an act, obviously) and kind of feigned a blush. He sat down next to her where the prior guy had sat, and she looked at him suspiciously, like he was about to give her some lame line like, "I just wanted to show this rose how incredibly beautiful you are." She saw him of the corner of her eye but refused to say anything. _Shit, _she thought. _Another loser hitting on me_. She hoped he'd be able to charm her more than the last.

Kiba started, taking a huge dramatic sigh, as if he were nervous, turning to her. "Okay, so I came over here to ask you to dance, but I'm kind of concerned for two reasons. I mean, for one, you could say no. That's a crime in itself, but it very nearly could happen, the way you sent that other guy crying just a few minutes ago. But not to mention, we could also hit it off really well, end up having a few drinks, next thing you know you're giving me your number because I'm too shy to ask for it, I finally get up the nerve to call and we take in a movie, have some dinner, I relax, you relax, we go out a few more times, get to know each other's friends, spend a lot of time together, then finally have get past this sexual tension and really develop this intense sex life that is truly incredible, decide our relationship is solid and stable, so we move in together for a while, then a few months later get married, I get a promotion, you get a promotion, we buy a bigger house. You really want kids, but I really want freedom, but we have a kid anyway, only to find that I am resentful, the sparks start to fade and to rekindle them we have two more lovely kids, but now I work too much to keep up with the bills, have no time for you, you're stressed and stop taking really good care of yourself, so to get past our slow sex life and my declining self-confidence I turn to an outside affair for sexual gratification. You find out because I'm careless and a lousy liar, you throw me out (justifiably so) and we have to explain to the kids why mommy and daddy are splitting up. That's just too sad," he sighed dramatically. "Think about the children. For God's sake, if you dance with me and we hit it off, let's just keep it sexual, because we both know where it's going."

She kind of smirked, her head on the back of her hands as she turned to look at him thoughtfully. "How charming." However, she left it at that, not even giving him an answer before turning forward again.

"So it's a no?" Kiba asked whimpering, raising an eyebrow slightly and giving her a puppy dog look, but not so desperate enough to deem him a desperate wimp—just enough to make her feel like she had all the power over him, yet once again, not so he was desperate, for it wouldn't be such a huge blow. It was almost reverse psychology: he was openly giving her the power, yet behind his charming looks, wrestling it back stealthily.

"Would you like to buy me another drink?" she asked sweetly, toying with the power he offered. Of course, any gentleman with a chance with any woman would do so, so he did. As he did (he had debated with himself to buy her something with an high alcohol content, but figured that'd be cruel even for someone he never really wanted to see again on a long term basis, and simply settled with white wine), she looked him over.

He settled down to talk to her again, but as he did, she got the first word in edgewise.

"So, you're a ninja?" she asked, though not looking surprised in the least.

He looked surprised for a second, before grinning playfully. "My lips are registered weapons, if that's what you mean." She looked at him with a rather amused smile before he settled into a more realistic smirk of his. "Yeah, I take it you are one too," he replied smoothly, as if he knew all along and it'd be his little secret.

"Oh? What gave it away?" she asked, a little, but not entirely, surprised he could tell. She hadn't been in Konoha on business.

"If I tell you, would you honor me with a dance?" _Smooth_. She smiled but didn't reply, but he took it as a good sign and decided to tell her anyways. He leaned back on the bar. "Well, for one, obviously if you can tell I'm a ninja, you know what to look for. And even if it was just a lucky guess, the fact you're not surprised or are even in Konoha means you have some affiliation with them, especially since only ninjas from other villages usually come here. And for another, you have a scar—" he opened the slit of her dress wider to show her skin and put his hand on her knee, moving upwards, "—right… here." His hand was dangerously close, but she didn't dare show him that it hitched her breath. Then he'd really think he was in power, and power was what a ninja lived for.

"Really?" she took a sip. "That's good then," she said seemingly out of nowhere. "I take it you're a Jounin, then?" she smiled in that seductive way she had been looking at him all night. "That's good then, because I wouldn't dare be caught dead with someone lower than me."

"So is that a 'yes, handsome stranger, take me now'?" Kiba asked innocently. She didn't respond, but her smile was still there. Wow, persistent, aren't you?

"So what are you doing in Konoha?" he asked, breaking her silence. "Your village insignia is no where in sight, and that would give you a hassle-free trip here for a ninja on the go. Besides, if you can rest at a bar, you're neither an enemy, nor an on-duty shinobi."

"On vacation. From Amegakure," she said, turning to him. "My cousin's getting married here so I'm staying here until then. High on life, she set me up with that blind date I sent away a minute and fourteen seconds before you came to bombard me with your pickup lines, whilst you were signaling that guy over there—" she nodded to Naruto—" to not look so obvious."

Kiba didn't look surprised, despite her revelations. Rather he smirked. Dang, he was good. He hoped Naruto was taking notes, but Naruto couldn't hear a dang thing from where he was sitting and was currently in a fight with the guy next to him (who had apparently taken a drink of his beer).

"You promised me a dance already, before you dramatically cast me away to suffer in loneliness after you leave with my heart… Ninja always keep their word."

"I did? I don't recall saying that. Besides, would that include burying your bone in me part or not?" she asked, no trace of anything as she traced the brim of her wine glass with her finger.

He grinned. At least this wasn't a pampered lady to be using such crude analogies. He got closer to her ear and whispered aggressively but still seductively, "If you insist, we can skip all this 'getting to know each other' bullshit, lose our inhibitions, and do what we _really_ came here to do." Yeah, he knew he was smooth. "Besides," he whispered even more chillingly. "You don't _smell_ like you mean that."

"Really?" her face brightened with amusement. "Is that the new line you were going to use on me? 'You smell; let's take a shower together?"

"Well, it wasn't, but I'll run with it if it works."

She smiled and blinked tiredly, as if to say, "What will I do with you? You won't leave until I dance with you, will you?"

And he blinked innocently, as if to say, "You don't really want me to leave, though, do you? You're enjoying this, aren't you?"

"So, let me guess… you want me to say yes?" she said in a mock tired voice, as if he was wearing her out and she just didn't want to struggle anymore.

"You don't have to…" Kiba said surprisingly. "… _if_ you answer my question without avoiding it." She looked at him quizzically, raising an eyebrow. "Mind you, if you don't like me, I could leave right now and find someone else less mind-blowingly beautiful, if you want."

As expected, she didn't say a thing. "Continue," she simply stated, her voice a little quieter.

"If I were to ask you for sex… would your answer be the same as the answer to this question?" He looked at her seductively but cutely, as if waiting for her to complain that it was a set up, and he knew it. But it was a question that all girls had to admire for its charm, despite its crudeness.

She closed her eyes and smiled, amused. She looked at him with a "what am I supposed to say to that?" look. She thought about it a second, toying with her earring. "All right," she said, nonchalantly.

"Really?" Kiba asked. His voice was slightly surprised, but oddly, for an actor, a bit happy. He never had an outright "yes" before, just a flirt and giggle, maybe a playful punch here or there.

"What, don't want to?" she asked. Wow, she sounded experienced, much more than him anyways, but then again, he was only in his early twenties.

"Oh, no… it's not that," he said, his heart hammering. He didn't really ever get that far before, as I've said. He'd gotten some kisses and even to second base, but never had he _come home_. "Don't you want to dance first?" he asked, his voice slightly higher than he intended.

She raised her eyebrow, looking at him quizzically. "Have you ever—?"

"What?" He chuckled nervously. "Oh, no… no, no, no, no, no…You get me all wrong. If you ever had sex with a machine, that's what it's like with me… 'Cause I'm like a sex machine." Her eyebrow raised higher. "But, uh… if that intimidates you… I can… make you feel like I've… never had sex before," he coughed, rushing through the last part hurriedly. And somehow she managed not to bust out laughing. It was odd. When Kiba was with a girl… it seemed like the girls wanted to do it more than he did, au contraire to what Kurenai had accused men of when Asuma was alive. _Well dang,_ thought Kiba, it's _not my fault Asuma was horny_.

"So… let's go," she said, silky smoothly.

"O-okay," his voice cracked.

She took his hand and dragged him out of the building.

"Wait, what?! What happened?" Naruto asked, screamed, slamming his hands on the table. He stood up and glanced at Chouji, who had been arguing with the bartender to fill up the bowl with more pretzels, even after he had eaten them all twice over. He had seen nothing, which was just as bad as Naruto, really. All Naruto had witnessed was Kiba talking to a smiling lady, as he smiled back, they moved their mouth like fishes a couple of times and left? What? That made no sense. Shoot. And he left to boot! Now he couldn't even ask!

Naruto sighed and decided if Kiba could do it.. in about… five minutes? Yeah… then, it really shouldn't be that hard. And so with renewed vigor, he set out again.

"Hi. You'll do," he said to a rather scowling woman. Ooh, bad choice.

"Thanks," she said sarcastically. "You too… barely." Her eyes wandered to the ocean… where they went down under.

She stared at him, waiting for him to make his move.

"So, uh… how did it go? Um… well, you hit your head trying to go to Mount Fuji to go on a cloud to get to Heaven, so… uh… oh… shoot, I forgot it! No!" he yelled, holding his hands on his head and screaming. She stared at him like he were an idiot, of course. "Gah! Nevermind!" he yelled before turning back to her. "So, uh… like, let's drop all the, uh, B.S. and like, you know… do it."

She smirked. "Ok," she said simply. Wow, what? "How do you want to do it, then?" Oh, good, Naruto thought. She was giving instructions. Since Kiba hadn't even done it, Naruto probably didn't even know what that meant. "We can either both get drunk and take advantage of each other, or, I could get drunk and you could just take advantage of me. _Or_, you can stay here and get drunk and I can go home and take advantage of myself. Either way, it's up to you."

"Oh, uh…" Naruto thought real hard about this. "Well, Sakura-chan and Ino told me I shouldn't take advantage of girls, cause that's mean and I could get charged with rape and sexual harassment… so… I guess one and two are out… so… I guess number three."

"All right, then. Bye," she said and she walked away. Eh? What?

Naruto walked back sulkily to Shikamaru's table, where Chouji had decided to join. Akamaru was still there, licking Kiba's beer, because unfortunately, Shikamaru was awake. Whenever Shikamaru looked away or nodded off, Akamaru took a lick, though. But, yeah. Kiba kind of left Akamaru there… or rather got dragged out before he could use Akamaru as an excuse. (Oh, by the way, Akamaru wasn't a virgin by a long shot.)

However, when Naruto got there, he seemed to find two more members of the Konoha 11 joining them.

"Eh? Hinata? Shino too? What are you doing here?" Naruto asked, surprised.

"Why did you say my name second? Is it surprising that I would come to share a friendly alcoholic beverage with my comrades once in a while?" he asked, monotonously.

"Ano…" Hinata started, the only one Naruto listened to, because face it, it was Shino. "Kurenai-sensei found me after practice and told me to find Kiba and Shino and meet the Hokage early tomorrow morning for details on an urgent mission."

"Ah? I see," Naruto replied, sitting down next to her. Needless to say, her heart skipped a beat. "Do you want a drink?" he asked her, for Shino had already gotten a beer with a straw. If he spilled even a drop, it'd kill two or three bugs underneath his jacket.

"N-no, that's okay," she replied. She was strongly abstinent to both alcohol and sex and drugs, for it'd bring shame to the head branch of the Hyuuga clan. "I just came to find Kiba, but—"

"He disappeared!" Chouji replied, mouth full of beer nuts. "I'm telling you! One minute (more like ten) I was eating pretzels, the next, he and that lady disappeared!"

"Seriously?" Naruto asked, although he had witnessed it. "He left with some lady a couple of minutes ago… unless that lady kidnapped him!" Naruto exclaimed, eyes wide.

"I doubt it," Shikamaru inserted. "He probably just went with her to…" he looked at Hinata, "… help her out with a mission," he censored. "That's why Akamaru's still here, since he obviously left in a rush."

Everyone sighed in relief. "Oh…" They'd always believe Shikamaru. He could easily lie with the straighter face than an etch-a-sketch.

Hinata kindly asked Akamaru to tell Kiba her message then, as well as to wake him up an hour early, to which he barked and licked her face. He then proceeded to duck under the table and scurry home to the Inuzaka household, where he could always get in (what with so many dogs and supersonic hearing) despite his master (he had been waiting for news on whether his best friend was in trouble or not and whether or not he should rescue him).

Well, there was an awkward silence to behold if ever there was one. One was kinda… zoning out in the florescence of the light bulbs, another eating and vacuuming all the food and drinks in a cycle that repeated itself every four minutes, another twiddling with her thumbs and trying to but failing to avoid looking at the person to her right, who was slumped over on the table, tired and depressed, and the last… kinda sitting there, stoned, saving the wandering bug from drowning in his beer.

"So… how did your day go, Naruto-kun?" Hinata asked shyly. Naruto blinked and looked up at her, who looked down and blushed.

"I've had a really bad day," he said tiredly, laying his head on his arms again. Hinata looked a little sad for him. She breathed a soft "oh" before resuming silence again. "But… it always makes me feel better to see a pretty girl smile," he said, smiling a bit at her, "So, would you smile for me?" He said this with such a charm that would only sound real with and be loved by Hinata. She blushed.

"Eh!" Chouji said, pointing at Naruto. "That was a good one!"

"Wasn't it!?" Naruto asked, energy suddenly renewed. Hinata felt a little disappointed that it was only a line, but… well, it never mattered how she felt.

"Sorry, sorry, Hinata!" Naruto said, holding up his hands. "I really did have a bad day though, none of my lines worked on anyone!" _But me_, she thought sadly. How pathetic… "Hey, Hinata. If I asked you out, would you go out with me?"

Hinata blushed. "D-didn't you already ask me this?" she asked quietly.

"I did? I asked so many people, I forgot. Did you say no too? All I remember were no's…" Way to make her feel even more pathetic, wanting a guy who doesn't even want her who no one else wants either.

"I…" Snap… is this a heart attack? "I…"

"What about me?" Chouji inserted, interested. Well, a guy's gotta know where he stands in a girl's eyes in comparison to the guy that's last in everyone's hearts.

"I would ask too, but that would intrude upon our team mate bubbles," Shino said.

"I just don't care." That was blunt, Shikamaru.

"I… I…" Well, that'd be obvious if she answered! Luckily…

"No one would go out with you, Chouji! You're too…" Naruto trailed off. Turn around, turn around, going the wrong way…

"Well, you too! Who would want to go out with an annoying, obnoxious, loudmouth showoff like you who can't even be a proper ninja?" Chouji asked. Oh yeah, he went there.

"Yeah right, you wish. That way I wouldn't steal any chance of you getting a date."

"No, I know. Those scores of girls that turned you down serve as my proof." And Chouji wins a pretzel for a victory prize!

"Shuddup," Naruto blushed. "It's not my fault those girls were taken."

"All of them?"

"Yes! … Or foreign." Only two girls had been taken. The rest screamed and ran. _Technically_, they didn't say a word.

"You know what your problem is, don't you? Naruto?" Shino said suddenly.

"What?" Naruto looked around.

"It's that you're going after girls who don't see you as anything but a desperate, annoying pervert," Shino replied coolly.

"Oh Shino! It's you!" Naruto said, figuring out where the voice was coming from.

"I think his friends think of him like that too," Chouji giggled. Naruto glared.

"Even after a girl listened to your stupid pick-up line, what did you say?" he asked.

"… I, uh… never got that far," Naruto scratched his chin. In reality, the two or three times that happened, he took their silence as a no and left. Silly boy.

"Well, then… maybe you should get to know them better or let them get to know you better. They might, just might, like you better," Shikamaru said.

"Or… try to flirt with someone who you already like and/or already likes you," Shino insert, looking at Hinata, although no one knew it. She looked at her thumbs, hoping no one would be looking at her, especially not _him._

"Like who?" Naruto asked confused.

"What girl have you known for ages, is kind, friendly, nice, is likely to say yes to you, you sort of like, and doesn't hate your guts?" There couldn't possible many in that category.

Naruto thought for a second. Unfortunately, the fool didn't know that Shino (and Kiba) had known for ages about Hinata's crush on Naruto. Well, everyone in Konoha did really, except Naruto. Most of them had hoped she'd had gotten over it by now, but Kiba and Shino never missed how she looked at him. Knowing how dense the lad was, they had rather taken her under their wing and tried to protect her. She was like a baby doe, innocent and naïve. Under his glaring lights, blinding her, her heart would stop, and she'd wait for him to come near so she could bathe in his beauty. Before she would know it, he would run all over her and break her heart. By the time she realized he wasn't as beautiful she believed, it'd be too late. But for now, in her head he was all that she needed. And whether he was truly s beautiful as she believed, her make believe would get her through the lonely nights. Shino and Kiba had to make sure he wouldn't take that away.

"Sakura-chan!" he snapped. Shikamaru looked at him oddly, and even Chouji stopped chewing for a second. Hinata stopped twiddling her thumbs, but she didn't look up.

"Sakura?" Shikamaru asked. "Doesn't she hate your guts? You've been asking her out for years. She's never said yes to you once in almost ten years."

"Really? Only that long?" Naruto asked. Everyone had their eyes on him (except Hinata) in confusion. He shrugged. "She fits the bill though! Not only is she nice and friendly and kind and see! I have known her for ages if I've been asking her out for almost a decade! Besides, she's pretty! And she's not picky like Ino, or older like Tenten or from a different village like Temari! Maybe she's even gotten over Sasuke by now. She's the most likely to say yes to me of the people I can think of…" But he never thought of the girl right beside him.

Shikamaru looked away, trying not to sense the tension that would soon occur. Shouji began to chew slowly, for not even he was clueless when he could see Hinata's expression. Shino sighed and looked down too. Only Naruto was remote happy for himself. No one could see Hinata's expression, for she was looking down far too much to even decipher her eyebrows. But it felt like she was crying… the others wanted to cry for her. Although not a tear fell, she felt her heart break… again. How many times it had been already, she forgot. She had stopped counting when she was twelve… when he had publicly started wooing Sakura. It just never stopped breaking it seemed.

"If she's your best bet… then that's sad," Chouji said.

For Hinata.


	4. Interpreting Girl Language

**Icha Icha Tactics  
****Chapter IV:** Interpreting Girl Language

**A/N:** Start of a new section. It's like Love Actually. By the way, eventually, the inspiration of this part will have come from the characterization of Catch-22.

**Disclaimer:** I would make a long disclaimer, like a song or something, since this chapter's ruther short, but… too lazy, let's get on with it.

- x -

"You know, no girl is going to want to go out with you if you keep eating so much, Chouji!" Ino reprimanded loudly, as always. They were eating at their favourite barbeque restaurant all together, as always, for it became their tradition to eat together, with or without Asuma there to pay for their tab. Luckily for Shikamaru and more importantly for Chouji, Ino had offered to pay the tab for she was in such a good mood from some random guy complimenting her on how pretty she was right before they had met up.

Well, also, it could have been because Shikamaru had finally decided to get off his arse and attempt the Jounin exams. Of course, he passed with flying colours—he'd have passed even five years ago when Temari and Neji did, but of course, he knew it'd be more responsibility for him (although Tsunade kind of already gave him responsibilities of a Jounin inconspicuously), so he figured it was too troublesome. However, after having talked with Naruto, and not wanting to be the last two guys on the hormone bandwagon after who was unanimously agreed upon as the guy with the worst luck with girls (well, after Rock Lee) was already on his way to finding himself a girlfriend, Chouji had made a bet with Shikamaru on who could get the best reaction from complimenting a girl. It rather went something like Shikamaru telling a random girl sitting next to him that if she would shut up, she'd be less troublesome, and Chouji telling Tenten that her hair looks like meatballs. Considering that Shikamaru's attempt ended up in him getting slapped when Tenten just gave Chouji an awkward look accompanied by an awkward "Thanks… I guess," Chouji won… barely. Of course, Chouji's chosen prize was to make Shikamaru pay his share of the bill, but in his lazy-arse attempt to not ask his bothersome mother for money and lay the bill on someone else, he took the Jounin exams and, as he predicted, Ino offered to pay the bill in her congratulations.

Of course, she forgot about Chouji's end of the bill, and… so now she was back to telling him to lose weight and not eat so much… she had told him this before, but now it was running a hole in her pocketbook.

"Why do I nee' a gir'?" Chouji asked, his mouth full of… everything. He spat a few chunks everywhere, but only Ino was ever disgusted. Shikamaru was used to it and everyone else around the table was nonexistent. They knew not to sit by him. "Food is all I need. With food and Shikamaru, how can I be happier?"

"What? You don't want a girlfriend, ever? You don't want to get married? Women are kind, loving creatures—" Chouji looked uninterested, "—that can… make men really happy—" Still not that interested. He took another piece of meat, "—And pleasure them in ways you can't imagine—" Not only Chouji looked bored but Shikamaru did too, "—and… they can cook for you," Ino ended lamely. Now Chouji was interested.

"Oh really?!" he was really interested. "Can they cook Korean barbeque? It's my favourite!"

Ino winced in her unenlightening situation. The conversation had taken a wrong turn. "Um… I guess. I don't know. Go find one and ask… but… you won't be able to get a girl who can cook Korean if you keep eating the way you are! Girls don't like fa—" Chouji looked menacing, "—fa—… um… unhealthy guys…"

"I'm healthy! I eat a lot!" Chouji said proudly.

"But not well. Girls won't want to go out with someone who's unattractive," Ino replied knowingly.

Chouji blinked. "Why don't you give Shikamaru this lecture? Is he attractive?"

Ino looked at Shikamaru's bored face scrutinizing. He looking at her with half-lidded eyes tiredly, waiting for her either approval or rejection.

She scrunched her nose in an unappealing fashion. "I guess he's all right. He's got other problems besides healthcare though. He just needs to change his personality completely and act like he gives a care once in a while. Girls don't like being called troublesome!" she snapped loudly, as if she had known what Shikamaru had told the girl. Well, she should, it was her cousin.

Shikamaru didn't look like he cared. He hadn't even budged his body a bit, if even his I-don't-give-a-care-I-could-sleep-listening-to-you eyelids. "I don't need a woman either. They're troublesome."

Ino growled slightly. "On behalf of the female race, I find that a blessing. No female will miss you; you'll be the one married to Chouji over here. It'll be kind of hard for you to complete your life plan of marrying a wife and having a family though."

Shikamaru still looked like he could honestly care less. In fact, he muttered under his breath something about this "being a pain."

Chouji took a sample of the newly fried meat from off the barbeque pit. Upon tasting its readiness, he quickly made the rest disappear into his mouth. He shrugged. "If Shikamaru doesn't need a woman, I don't need one either."

Ino frowned. This was going to cost her her paycheck for this week.

After Ino emptied her purse of any change, and Shikamaru and Chouji left almost jovially (I mean, as happy as an emotionless guy can be anyways, Chouji was pretty happy though), immediately a blur of black and red flashed before them. Ino and Chouji reflexively grabbed for a kunai, only to find a common but unexpected friend.

"Oy. the Hokage wants you," Temari said unemotionally, pointing to Shikamaru, who looked like he expected this. For the highest ninja of the pack, he sure seemed like the least prepared.

Shikamaru shrugged nonchalantly and walked towards to Hokage's office. Temari got ready to jump away, but Ino interrupted her.

"Temari? What are you doing here? Why aren't you in Suna?"

Temari turned but an inch to acknowledge to other blonde kunoichi before responding, "The Jounin exams. The Kazekage sent me to help out on behalf of Suna."

Ino replied with a soft "oh." Chouji ate some chips… despite having just eaten.

"Well," Temari said kind of awkwardly, wanting to leave, "I guess I'll—"

"Hey, Temari…" Ino started.

"… Yeah… ?" Temari asked in that what-do-you-want-cause-I-_really_-don't-want-to-be-here-and-don't-like-nor-talk-to-you-so-why-are-you-talking-to-me tone, turning around.

"Would you go out with Chouji here?" Ino asked innocently, trying to prove a point.

Temari eyed both her and Chouji disgustedly, though she tried to hide her distaste for Chouji more subtly, although her scrunched up nose didn't help. Chouji, however, was immersed in his chips and watching as if it were simply a dispute between Shikamaru and Ino, as opposed to himself.

"Why?" she asked, avoiding the topic.

"I just wanted to prove to Chouji that if he lost some weight then maybe he'd be more attractive!" Ino tsked.

Temari looked away, wincing in disgust at the mental image. Her nose was still scrunched up at the smell of the nasty thought penetrating and polluting the air with horrid thoughts. "Um… that's… nice…" she still avoided the question.

"She just wants to be nice to you cause she doesn't want to hurt your feelings," Ino said.

"That's cold, Ino. But it's okay. My fat will keep me warm," Chouji said nonchalantly.

Temari tried to sneak away and run off home, miles and miles away from this awkward conversation, but before she could—

"Well, would you go out with Shikamaru?" Ino asked.

_Shit._ Temari froze in her tracks. "Why?" she asked coldly, once again, not hiding her anguish of being caught up in the awkwardness that is of Konoha ninjas.

"Why not?" Ino asked innocently, as if that had anything to do with the question.

She felt the twitch start back up again. "Didn't I answer this before?" Temari sighed exasperatedly.

"Well, sort of. I mean, we asked you this a few years back when you and Shikamaru were seen a lot lately and Shikamaru missed a lot of practices for a mission with Suna, but that was years ago. Things can change quickly."

Temari felt her gut drop. _What? Go out with that guy?_ "What? Go out with that guy?" she repeated her thoughts.

"That doesn't answer the question," Ino taunted.

Temari… didn't quite blush but she kind of had that weird emotion wherein you feel really awkward and that you should blush only it's weird, so you don't. "Why would I go out with him? He's… a lazy-arse jerk who has no pride. Besides, he's three years younger than me."

'But you're seen often with him. Besides, age is nothing but a number," Ino said, as if she were the Goddess of Love.

"Don't mistake coincidental rendezvous due to the also coincidental fact that I'm the liaison between Sunagakure and Konoha and he is the candidate for Konoha's side of the matter. We have to work together, that's not my decision in the matter. And age is not just a number. It's a representation of not only maturity but when you were born. One-hundred and eighty-seven is just a number." None of this was said with any shown emotion. Born in the Kazekage's family and growing up learning not only that dignity and pride was everything, wherein your brother was feared by all and father respected, she learned never to show any weakness, especially when the only way she could get any attention from and against said demon-child and negligent father was to become the best ninja, growing up to never show tears.

"Shikamaru's like a freaking genius," she said as if it were obvious, "so that maturity doesn't count for him. He's too lazy to be immature. Besides… business and pleasure often have affairs," Ino said tantalizingly.

"This is inane," Temari said, as if that word often appeared in her vocabulary.

"That didn't answer the question," Ino said. Temari's cheeks tinted slightly red with this awkward pressure placed upon her, for it wasn't like she was repulsed by him. He was her… friend, she supposed, she wasn't quite sure. He wasn't… horrible, she supposed. But would she ever really go out with that… pain? He was so… infuriating.

"Don't worry, Shikamaru's nice," Chouji said between chips. "It's okay if you reject him. He'd probably say you're too troublesome for him anyways," he inserted, making things worse. That totally did not help the situation.

Temari's eyes widened slightly, insulted. She didn't know why but it seriously miffed her. _He_ would reject _her_? _She_ wasn't good enough for _him_!? "Fine then!' she fumed hotheadedly. "I'm too troublesome for him? He's not good enough for me anyways! He'd be lucky for me to even look at him, that jerk," she muttered angrily.

Temari jumped away back to the Hokage's office, muttering curses about Shikamaru under her breath. Ino sighed loudly.

"Chouji! Why did you say that?!"

He ate his chips unperturbed, that same expression as always (disregarding when someone calls him fat) on his blissful face. "It's true. Shikamaru says that Temari is amongst one of the most troublesome women, along with you and his mom."

Ino too scrunched up her nose. "Troublesome? Me?! Look who's talking. Look at what I have to deal with: a lazy, uncool slacker and a…" Chouji's eyes sparkled with threat at the choice of her words, "… um, slightly plump, unhealthy overeater."

She stomped off angrily in the direction of her flower shop, leaving Chouji still standing there.

"She's just like Temari… no wonder they're troublesome."

Temari jumped from rooftop to rooftop, still fuming. She didn't know why, but she felt like her pride as a woman had been infiltrated, which was weird cause she had never really had had pride as a woman, only as a ninja; so she was confused as to why she was so mad. She had hoped to go back to the comfort of emotional nonexistence back in Suna, but she had remembered she had to go back and get the report the Hokage was to write up and send it back to her brother for verification. Damn. Not to mention that Shikamaru was kind of… supposed to accompany her. It was stupid though… as if any idiot would like to steal the exam results of the Jounin exams? Why does her brother even care? Just so he'll know who gets a free pair of gloves? Whoop-de-doo. Two days and a night walking, but all day running… with that jerk.

She sighed. He wasn't really a jerk, she just felt like he should be one. She just felt insulted by the fact he thought she wasn't good enough for him that he should be one, that way she could hate him. She rather… tolerated… she can't enjoy, that was a weird word for her… his existence next to hers. Compared to his teammates, he was the sanest. Chouji would be the least intelligent conversation and Ino would be the most annoying. Same with that Sakura girl, that orange, loud Naruto kid… and just about everyone. Either annoying or awkward, cause face it, with either emo geniuses, shy girls, or dead quiet weird animal freaks… yeah. But it wasn't like she liked him. She simply tolerated him. Yes. Cause everyone else sucks. He nothing more than not sucks. Yes. Exactly.

But no, she didn't like him. Ew. Not like that. He's sucks. He's a butthead. He just didn't suck as much as everyone else. But he sucks cause he just does. Yes, exactly. _Shit. What the hell kind of conversation is this?_ _I'm becoming as stupid and unintelligible as that Ino and pink haired girl._

She arrived in front of the Hokage's office and immediately kicked the wall as hard as possible, only to cause a jolt of pain to her foot. Not that anyone would notice though, for her impassive face remained just that. But she had to vent out her anger quickly before the door would open and Shikamaru would walk out with instructions on his duty in Sunagakure.

And right on cue. He strolled out of the office only to look to the right side of the door at her whose face still looked somewhat scowling, only she looked slightly more aware of where she was as opposed to the bored "this sucks" face she usually entailed: a sure sign of something was up. Shikamaru chose not to question it however and simply continued walking. "Let's go," he said simply.

Temari followed like his little lamb, wordlessly and unusually, for _she'd_ usually be the one to command _him_ to get a move on. However, she didn't wanna risk her awkward thoughts tainting how she interacted with him, causing him to be suspicious. Her heart was beating and her pheromones acting up too much to keep a cool head. She was afraid if she opened her mouth, she'd bust out screaming, "I don't like you, you moron! Get over yourself!" And that'd surely mean she did.

Unbeknownst to her, however, the fact that he commanded her to go as opposed to the other way around, and the uncharacteristic confused stare having already alerted him, he already knew she was not herself. Of course, he'd never question it, for that meant listening. That's why he liked clouds. They didn't talk, unlike women.

Luckily, she wasn't in the mood to talk either. Unlike usual, she didn't walk side by side with him, for she'd usually like to think of themselves as equals… she'd not be the one to let someone else take the lead. She herself would take the lead if her partner was a dumbass but she wouldn't dare say Shikamaru was one, for he beat her in the Chuunin exams before, which meant that if he was a dumbass, she was lower than one. Not only that, but considering that perspective was several years ago, she had challenged him multiple times, hoping to scavenge her pride. She failed, of course.

This time however, she walked a few paces behind him, kind of following him timidly. She sort of stared at his pineapple hair, thinking of him but not looking at him. He didn't mind. He never did. He was like the freaking perfect wife.


End file.
